It would be unnatural if you didn’t have arguments sometimes with the person you share your life with- after all, we are all individuals and have different ways of dealing with the world.  It’s normal to disagree and argue sometimes.

However, how we go about arguing can make a huge difference in the long term health of our relationship.  Learning some simple steps and keeping some rules of engagement in mind can go a long way towards reinforcing your love instead of tearing it down.

Pain Vs Power

A lot of arguments happen over hurt feelings- usually hers. These confrontations can single-handedly ruin your relationship. When you take an “I’m hurt” confrontation and turn it into a win-at-all-costs-power-struggle, you are eroding the bond between the two of you.  Some men by nature, seem to view disagreements as competitions to be won, or feel they have to defend themselves against accusations that haven’t been made.

If she’s hurt, instead of getting defensive or angry that you are being “blamed” for something, try to listen to what she’s telling you.  It’s not a competition, it’s a chance to understand what upsets her so that you don’t do it again in the future OR help her to understand your actions so that they don’t hurt her- often these things are the result of a misunderstanding.
The Power Play

Some arguments are over power.   Who gets to pick the furniture, where to go to eat, or how to spend the communal money are issues in which both sides want to win.  Some ground rules:

No Contempt- Contempt is the #1 indicator of a relationship that isn’t going to last.  If you resort to namecalling, eyerolling or putdowns, you might as well start dividing up the stuff and look for a new place to live.

Reflective Listening- Make sure you understand what the other party said by repeating what you just heard.

“You are saying that my wagon wheel table can never have a place in our home?”

“No, I’m saying that it doesn’t work in the living room.  You can put it in the basement where we are going to have a game room.”

Clarifying what you think someone is saying to you can go a long way towards heading off nastiness and making sure that what you heard is what they meant.

Not every conflict can be settled so that all parties are happy, but you can argue without damaging the core of your relationship.  If you are prone to really hurtful, drawn-out fights, it helps to see a counselor to practive healthy conflict management skills.

The holidays are supposed to be fun and carefree… so why do you dread the whole gift-giving thing? It’s because it’s so hard to find the right gift! You really want her face to light up with happiness instead of forced excitement, but it seems the finding the right gift is a mystery that can’t be unraveled.

Never fear! It’s not as hard as it seems.

Rule #1: Thou shalt not wait til Christmas Eve to find a gift.

The only things left on Christmas Eve are those pre-wrapped costume jewelry pins and cheap perfume- trust me, those things won’t win you any points in the romance dept. While great for a last-minute gift for Aunt Myrtle, they scream “You don’t really matter to me!” to the woman in your life.

Do your gift shopping this week! Now is good…

Tip #1: You don’t have to go to the mall.

Even if you don’t loathe the mall normally, holiday time is not the best time to venture into the hallowed halls of shopping. Online stores, Ebay, and Amazon have just about anything you could possibly want. BUT, shopping online means shipping time; another reason to get your shopping done ASAP.

Rule #2: Thou shalt not shop for apparel without verifying sizes.

Clothing items make great gifts but don’t make the mistake of guessing at sizes! THIS IS NOT HARD and it really shows her that you care about getting the right thing.

This may sound a little odd, but trust me on this strategy: go through the dirty laundry and get the sizes out of things she has recently worn. Most women have a variety of clothing in their drawers and closets that don’t fit… some are too small, some are too large… don’t question this, just accept it and work with it.

By getting her sizes out of items she’s worn, you know they are current! Check the shoes she wore today if you are thinking of slippers and grab her undies for lingerie sizes. Print out our gift giving size chart and fill it in for a reference when you are out and about!

Rule #3: Thou shalt not buy things YOU want.

When selecting a gift for that special lady in your life… think about what she wants, not what you want her to have. Does she really, really want a new stereo in her car, a set of “Family Guy” DVD’s, or a super mega video card for the computer? She might… but really think about what gets her excited, not you.

The same goes for lingerie. You’ve got to know your woman… would she think lingerie was a sexy and exciting gift, or an obligation she’ll have to fulfill later? If it’s your first time picking out lingerie, try to stay on the classier side of things and avoid leather, zippers and holes in uncomfortable places!

Rule #4: Thou shalt not buy a gift that implies she needs to do more housekeeping

Unless she’s explicitly told you she really wants a Dyson, don’t get a vaccuum for her for Christmas. Or a kitchen appliance or anything meant for cleaning, preparing food, or taking care of home or kids or you!

Why not? She’d love a new coffeemaker!

Well, let’s face it… stuff like that shouldn’t be a gift. Christmas is a time for wow! gifts, not now-clean-up gifts. Appliances and other household gifts would make a great surprise for-no-reason gift but most often, need to come from the household budget not the gift budget.

Rule #5: Thou shalt carefully consider her interests

If she’s a collector, your job has probably been pretty easy! Whether it’s figurines, Coke memoribilia, or commemorative coins, all you have to do is buy one she doesn’t have. Everyone else has it a little harder…

What does she like to do? What does she WANT to do? Consider giving her a gift of time.. how about lessons at the local rec center, concert tickets, or cooking classes? Many restaurants offer a series of wine tasting events that make for a great gift you can enjoy together.

Take a few moments to list the things she likes to do. Does she like to read? What does she read? Novels, magazines, or newspapers? Why not get her a subscription or a gift certificate to a book store?

Tip #2 Gift cards aren’t always a poor choice

You have to be careful with gift cards- they can indicate thoughtlessness. A generic gift card without some sort of thought behind it is about as sentimental handing someone a $20 bill out of your wallet.

But many women do like to shop! Giving her a sizeable gift card with the mandate to spend it on herself can be a very sweet gesture. If you go the gift card route, make it’s something you know she’ll appreciate.

Rule #5 Thou shalt listen to her hints

Chances are, she’s told you what she wants. Think carefully… has she mentioned anything that she really likes lately, or how nice it would be to have this or that? If not, why not tag along while she does her Christmas shopping and observe… chances are, she’ll linger over something or come across something that she’ll mention she likes.

It couldn’t be easier! Now get out there and do some shopping.

Have you ever tried to find romance advice on the web? You can find many, many sites that are dripping with hearts and roses and contain corny ideas like,

“Sweep her in your arms and carry her over the threshhold, then set her gently on a bed covered with rose petals and give her the heart-shaped cookie you baked for her.”

Are you really going to do that? OK, maybe once in a while that kind of stuff is ok, but in the meantime, she wants more romance in her everyday life.

You don’t have to send her two dozen roses at work every day or hire a choir to sing “your song” when she walks in the door- she just wants to feel connected to you.

You can reassure her and make her feel special and wanted with just a little effort.

We can Help!

Our reminder service contains simple things you can do to show her how much you care. Most of them take less than 5 minutes to accomplish, but will pay off big dividends in the overall quality of your relationship.

Dear Romance-O-Matic-

I really need some advice. I honestly do love my wife, but it seems like she’s always disappointed in me lately when it comes to our relationship. I can’t do anything right!

Get this- the other day she says to me, “You never bring me flowers like you used to…”

So, I did what any guy would do, I went out and bought her flowers the next day. Can you believe she was ticked at me? I mean, why did she bring it up, if she didn’t want me to get her flowers?

It seems kinda crazy to me- I can’t read her mind and everything I do is wrong. I think my relationship is in serious trouble. Can you help?

Signed,

Flowerguy

Dear Flowerguy,

Your heart is in the right place, no doubt! And I guess it does take a little mind reading to know what a woman wants in a situation like this.

She didn’t want flowers.

You found that out, didn’t you? Sorry, Charlie! What she wanted was romance. She was simply remembering that back when things were a little more revved up between the two of you, you would buy her flowers to show her how much she meant to you.

When you bought her the flowers, it was kind of like just doing a chore. To her, it’s about as romantic as if she had said, “Why don’t you pick up the dry cleaning on the way home?” and you did it. Nice, sure! But it wasn’t what she was looking for.

Don’t worry- we’ve got the answer. Subscribe to the Romance-o-Matic at the top of this page, and we’ll coach you through one romantic gesture a week. That’s really all it takes to tune up your relationship and get it on the right track! And each mission usually takes 5- 15 minutes, so you don’t have to agonize over a lot of details.

All she really wants is to feel loved, and you love her, right? So, sign up today and start showing her in lots of little ways what she means to you and the next time you bring home flowers, you’ll get a big smooch instead of a pout.

Sincerely,

Romance-o-Matic